New Year

It seems like the world runs on money and greed is everywhere. The obsession with money baffles me sometimes. Isn’t money just printed pieces of paper we, ourselves, put value on? Though I am not afraid to admit I have been greedy in the past, it seems the things you can buy are getting more and more outlandish. If you don’t believe me, check out the show “The Most Expensivest” featuring the rapper 2Chainz enlightening you about all the expensive things in the world you had no idea existed. You can buy expensive water and even oxygen! It is ridiculous what all you can spend your money on if you let yourself. But the thing is- all of that stuff you buy has to go somewhere and eventually it starts to build up and wear on you mentally where you have to do something about it. Or it can easily be all burned up in a fire like many recently experienced in the California fires.

Greed pushes us to want more and more, like we are never satisfied. Even when it feels like you will never need or want anything again, there is always some other new shiny thing we want to buy on top of what we already have. That is some people’s literal job to come up with the next best thing/s that makes the company a lot of money. And I know I can get caught up in the excitement of buying new things that I forget about what I already have. Well, starting this new year, I want to change that and become less of a buyer or consumer and more a creator, sharer, giver, etc.

I tend to have good ideas and talk about doing things but not actually doing them so I am hoping to change that habit this year. This has been one of my ideas for a while as I notice myself after 2020 starting to buy more and more things to feel better. It seems way too easy for me in the past to just buy something if I didn’t have it instead of trying to make it myself with something I already have or finding other resources that might be cheaper. Convenience costs us more in the long run. But I guess hindsight is always 2020..

I find it hard to find hope sometimes and want to give up. To do nothing but let my life pass me by. It is easy to see tragedy and pain everywhere you look. It can be easy to fall victim to it. I had a lot of anger when I was younger that I was not sure where it came from, which scared me. But as time has gone on, I have learned that many others were angry when they were younger- just look at early albums of bands like Tool, Mudvayne, Chevelle, etc. The more I learn the calmer I seem to get because more things make sense to me now that either I didn’t think about or just didn’t make sense. It seems to me we get angry when we don’t understand something or are being misunderstood.

How often do we skip to being angry without examining ourselves first? It often feels like many of us, myself included, immediately fall into the trap of blaming others or harboring resentment without first reflecting on our own actions. When those around us engage in criticism or anger, it's easy to get swept up in the whirlwind of negativity, and it can become almost addictive. In the moment, it makes us feel like we belong and better about ourselves but it’s only fleeting. Sometimes a little understanding and curiosity can go a long way. Sidenote to say that understanding does not include individuals who dehumanize others or who believe certain people should not exist or want to make life harder for some people to exist.   

It seems like many people tend to look down on alcoholics or drug addicts, but then I look around and realize that we are all addicted to something, whether we admit it or not. Social media and our phones being one. It is crazy how addicting just one more video or scroll can be. I have to stop myself and ask ‘what am I waiting or looking for?’ as it becomes a time sucker for me. As I noted in my Being Still post, I have started to put time limits on certain apps, what has helped. If you don’t want to restrict use, it can also be a way to be more conscious of how long you have been on a certain app. I have also moved my social media apps further away from my main screen or off totally, in favor of games, learning, reading, health tracking, etc.

Last year I finally got around to watching Euphoria featuring Zendaya and I have to say it’s the rawest display of depression and grief that I have ever seen. So much so, it became hard to watch in several spots. Also, it was the first time I realized I was attracted to someone who is trans. I did not know when I first started watching that the show got a trans person to play as Jules, a trans character, choosing Hunter Schafer and I have been obsessed with her ever since. I think she is great in the role and her chemistry with Zendaya is easily identifiable on screen and makes it that much believable. I watched Hunter’s interview on a Spotify podcast recently and she seemed so comfortable and like she would be a fun person to be around.

The show Euphoria is mainly about drug addiction but also shows how you can become addicted to a person and how that is not good either. The more you need something the more you stand to lose and, in the show, she lost a lot. I found myself really identifying with somethings the main character was going through and several of the other characters. One of them being grief as I have experienced a lot of that myself, and of different varieties. Grief is a process just like any other, which you have to learn to trust. It is unavoidable, though you can certainly try to escape using anything as a distraction but the more you resist the harder and more drawn out it becomes.

The show really showcased how you can transform into a worse version of yourself for the sake of your addiction. She was self-destructing and didn’t care who or what the casualties were. At some point, you start to see all your choices and have no one to blame but yourself which is hard to come to terms with and seems like it’s just easier to self-destruct. 

I know what it feels like, wanting to give up and quit trying because no matter what you do, you seem to go in the opposite direction. There is this song I have really identified with called Quicksand by Hatchie and it encompasses my feelings perfectly of never feeling happy and how it seems like the more you move the further you sink, never escaping. Sometimes we feel so sure about something and keep trying and trying to make it fit but realize it just does not.  

If I had everything I wanted would I want more?

Would I keep fightin' if there's nothin' left to fight for?

Sometimes I feel like I'm just sinkin' into quicksand, quicksand

~Quicksand by Hatchie

For the new year, I am wanting to narrow down what I value and consolidate all my things to take up less space. At least in my world, it seems like the more space available, the more it starts to fill up with stuff. Stuff that becomes background scenery starts to lose meaning and is just there. It is not until you start to compile everything you want to get rid of into one space that you see all the stuff you have accumulated over the years and how much space it takes. I do not care about getting money from them, I just don’t want to throw anything away that is still functional and can be used by someone else.

I no longer want to keep doing the same things I have done in the past. I tend to forget to re-evaluate all my habits, routines, and tasks to see if they could be more efficient or if it still benefits me.  I don’t want to hold onto things in case they might become relevant someday. If they are not relevant to me now then I don’t want to keep it. I don’t want to just have an accumulation of stuff. It seems like I hold things for a special moment that might never come and I just don’t see the need anymore. 

On the flip side, with everything going up in price, I don’t see a reason why I should keep the same spending habits from the past so I have reevaluated what and where I spend my money and time on. It is nice to see I am not the only one either. If you have an android there is an app called ‘Goods’ that shows you where your money spent at certain brands goes into which I found helpful.

Reflecting over the past several years, I realize how much I have gone through. The losses started in 2018 and happened every year except in 2020 which was the pandemic when everything changed all over again. There have been so many ups and downs, it is a whirlwind of emotions. 

There have been so much that I started reviewing all my past blog posts and making highlights. Looking at my Depression post I feel like I am starting to feel the same way, like I am starting to lose energy to do things I want to do. To counter that I have had to spend less time online and more time reading or creating in some way to not get too caught up in current events. But breaking old habits is difficult and takes time and patience, which many people do not have. I don’t think I give myself and others enough credit for making it through and not giving up, even when I wanted to and would have been easier.

I find that I value my energy more as I get older, probably because I seem to start the day with less and less. There is a lot of fear and unknowns going around right now, but now I refuse to expend energy on possible worst-case scenarios. It is hard to accept things for how they are when you know how things could be and how far more advanced as a society we could be. Or are those just limited to books and movies? I am just tired, honestly. And I know many other people are too. I am tired of fighting people so I just don’t anymore and let people believe what they want to believe, which brought me some peace of mind.  I want to let go of attachment to anything holding me back from the life I want to live and I am hoping this year will be the year I am finally able to do that.