Grandan

Growing up an only child living with a single mom was not easy but my grandfather being the steady male role figure in my life did everything he could to take care of us, which I will forever be grateful for. He would frequently take my side and push for what I wanted. When the day finally came to go to the big mall near our small town my grandma started to back out but he pushed for us to still go. I felt like he always advocated for me, which made me feel like someone was on my team and it felt good to have that. I often didn’t even feel like I was on my own team most days.

After my parents got divorced and my mom got her own house, he would always make sure we were taken care of if anything started going on with the house. His passion was cars and woodwork but he could fix or figure out just about anything. When I was younger, I decided to get into dance and he always encouraged whatever I wanted to try. I could tell he really wanted me to be happy, whatever that was. I had a playhouse in the backyard where he put electricity for light and was going to put in a heater so I could spend more time out there.

He loved to sit in the sand and look for shark teeth on the beach during our yearly family vacation to the coast. He never did find anything but he would still get out there and do it. There is always a chance but only if you get out there. We got hardcore into building sand castles as a family activity which he joined in on while the rest of the family usually played volleyball or stare at the ocean. I loved family vacations to the beach- I didn’t even mind waking up early for the drive down there! I love to roll all the windows down while cruising down the seawall with all the sights and sounds in the sea air. We made many memories as a family that I will cherish forever, despite the beach and water not being the prettiest and having deal with seaweed some years. My favorite picture I have of my grandparents together is one at Moody Gardens and he is hugging her and they have the biggest smiles on their faces.

I would frequently be over at their house after school until my mom got off work or if she had to be out, and one day a cat came up to get a drink of water and I got curious and followed her to see where she went and found out she had 3 kittens. I remember my grandpa saying over and over again ‘No, we are not having 4 cats, no they are not coming in the house!’ and next thing you knew they had 4 cats and they were all coming inside. I remember using beanie baby names to help since apparently, I have the hardest time coming up with names off the top of my head. I am not sure if it was more the cats or me that eventually convinced him but nevertheless, they helped create a lot of memories and I am glad they adopted us.

Everything in my life changed after a freak accident while on vacation to Hawaii in 2003 with my mom and grandparents. Our first stop we went to Honolulu which was very busy, but after I found Maui very relaxing. One day while at the beach, my grandpa’s foot sank in the sand really deep right before a big wave knocked him over and before I knew it, he was in the hospital with a broken leg. They put a green cast on his leg and he was in a wheelchair for the rest of the trip, which he was just stoked about. He tried to keep a happy face on but I could tell he was bummed. We went to a luau where they climbed on palm trees, hula danced, and we ate yummy food. We even wheeled him out to the beach with us to watch the surfers. When we came back home, it was discovered that he had leukemia. The big scary C word.

After 2003 his health went downhill fast and it was scary to see. In just a year you can see the change in his pictures. At one point it felt like we were existing in limbo at a hospital in Dallas which became a second home. I remember really looking at him in the hospital bed once and realizing how much he was withering away. We got hope back a few times with this drink called Noni juice that put him in remission but he ended up passing in May 2008. I remember where I was exactly when I got the call from my mom. I was at a blockbuster which, for kids who don’t know what that is, was a place we used to go to physically pick out a movie to watch. That month I was just about to graduate high school. Losing him was really hard on me and changed a lot about me. I realized for the first time just how fast life can change in an instant, even with hope.

Joker on jack, match on a fire

Cold on ice, it's a dead man's touch

Whisper on a scream

Doesn't change a thing

Don't bring you back

Blue on black    

by Kenny Wayne Shepherd

One of his cancer doctors became close with my grandma and told us someone left a dog tied to his car at White Rock Lake and he brought the dog over for us to meet and then my mom and I ended up with Brownie. She was a super high maintenance gorgeous chow/golden retriever mix who became part of the family. She was not easy to live with at all but I remember her being there for many emotional moments I had growing up so I was really partial to her, even without the connection to my grandpa. It was like another part of him got to live on with us a little longer until 2017. She taught me patience and forgiveness and I will never forget her.

My grandmother gifted me this book of poems he was given by his kindergarten teacher called One Hundred and One Famous Poems and he had a page bookmarked. The poems included were “For A’ That and A’ That” by Robert Burns and “Jest ‘Fore Christmas” by Eugene Field. I had just picked this up to look at it again and flipped to that page, although it is now after Christmas in 2023.

He loved blues music and peanuts he called goobers. He always kept some on the nightstand next to his spot on the couch. I won’t forget watching Wheel of Fortune every night with my grandparents while waiting for my mom to get home from work. He made a point to always watch girls’ sports and root for any female that was playing against all men. Always rooting for the underdog, which I have always tried to emulate in my life. I was never into sports but he always encouraged me to pursue whatever I wanted to do.

In 2010 when I turned 21, I decided to get my first tattoo and I had him in mind when I chose what I wanted. My grandparent’s family symbol was stars which they always had scattered throughout their house. It is a family name thing. The star I chose to get was a nautical star which featured black and white shades formed similar to a compass rose. Which after looking into it more and more I saw it had ties to my home state Texas and the Navy which my husband joined right before we officially got together in 2007. I got it done at a local tattoo shop on my back from the artist who would end up doing most of my husband’s tattoos, which he now is covered way more than I am. They got to meet briefly but not long enough. It was never enough.

Of all the things I still remember

Summer's never looked the same

The years go by and time just seems to fly

But the memories remain

In the middle of September we'd still play out in the rain

Nothing to lose but everything to gain

Reflecting now on how things could've been

It was worth it in the end

~September by Daughtry

I had a chair set aside for him with an artificial white rose on it at my wedding. I have the rose at the alter I referenced in my Witch post. I think about him when I am meditating or in the reset room. I have this wood jewelry box that he was working on last. Every time I smell wood or paint, I think of him. I think that is why I have really liked learning how to paint as much as I have. I hang onto him and the memories I have when things get hard. I started a playlist on Spotify of songs that make me think of him or that I know he liked. At his funeral we played the song called Europa (Earth’s cry Heaven’s Smile) and I have that saved as well as a bunch of Stevie Ray Vaughn that he loved and I found a few from this artist called Kenny Wayne Shepherd which I really liked. One in particular makes me think of him every time I hear it called Blue on Black. I decided to start a new blog just about music, which there is so much you can share or talk about it and I love it so much. He would want me to follow what I am passionate about and make a separate one. I have more to include about blues and other genres. The link to it is here- https://music4cu.blogspot.com/

I remember he loved Chevy trucks and always had a white one. He owned a local autobody shop and treated his employees well. Every time I pass it in town, I get a little sad and makes me miss him all over again. He made sure my first car was a reliable one that he fixed up. A 1998 Toyota Corolla I named Lola. She was first my mothers and very dangerous trying to get on the highway because she had no get up and go. I learned from him what was reliable. Though I am slowly finding that my knowledge is out of date. Kia and Hyundai are not the same brands they were a long time ago. Why would they have great warranties? I had a Mazda3 that had a transmission go out at under 40k miles and that hurt my confidence in foreign made cars so I didn’t get one for my next car that I have now. He had an El Camino that we kept after he passed and took family pictures with. It is crazy to realize just how much emotion and nostalgia cam be tied to a car. I found a video that made me tear up and think of him about a search for a special car and it’s very sweet. Just as a coincidence it happens to be about a Chevy car. Check it out here- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l02EGYwp2Go&ab_channel=HLGRacing

I really miss him. It hits me randomly every now and then something will remind me of him and I will start missing him all over again. It is easy to regret not spending more time or saying certain things but I know he loved me and would have done anything for me. Time isn’t real and always changes but memories last forever. How lucky I am to have him in my life for the time I had. I am not sure where I would be without the part he played in my life and I know not many others had a grandan in their life like I had. I am still surrounded by my childhood and the past. With his own hands he made many parts of this house I grew up in. At some point I had to realize though that they are just things and they won’t last forever but the memories and lessons learned will always remain.

'Cause when you're gone

All the colors fade when you're gone

No New Year's Day parade, you're gone

Colors seem to fade

~Colors by Amos Lee