Pride

It wears on you when you feel like you have to hide a part of who you are. I know some people maybe get tired of hearing about Pride month, and if you only know about it from the media or ad’s then I can see that. But if you look deeper, you realize the stories behind the ‘pride’ and their very human journeys. Everyone has their own story, which I almost always find inspiring. I also always find a little bit of something to identify with, even if our stories are not exactly the same. I have just in the past few years started to reflect and unwind more of that part of myself from the past and started to put more into words how it affected me growing up. It is a part of me that has always been there but has not always been safe enough to show or bring into the light.

Even though Pride started with a riot it ended up becoming much more than that. Let me explain. No. Too much let me summarize in one word what it is about- acceptance. Of others and self as they are. (Did you catch The Princess Bride reference there?). In a small bit it was also exposure for others to feel more welcome or learn something about yourself. I feel like I was always searching for examples of myself in my environment while growing up to show me that it is okay to be myself and that I will be accepted. I wonder sometimes if I had been more exposed to girl/girl couples alongside ‘normal’ ones in my childhood, would I have felt more comfortable in my world? What would growing up had looked like? Would I have felt less shame and happier to be in my own skin?

I have gone through many different emotions throughout my life when it comes to my sexuality and who I am attracted to. Growing up religious, I felt a lot of shame when it came to anything involving sex or anything close to it and even my own body so avoidance became key. It seems like the assumption is once you learn about your body as a girl it is a slippery slope to losing your child innocence and what kind of parent would be after that. However, I feel like everyone has a right to know details of their body and how it works because not knowing can cause a lot of anxiety. Ask me how I know. Haha. Others taught me about my own body as a woman, which was kind of alarming if you think about it. On top of that was the extra shame that I found some girls more than just pretty or a friend, which was something I could not handle.

I had a friend in middle school who was a girl that eventually became more than that, which I hid from everyone else at first. I remember when we first held hands for a moment at school and a guy noticed and called us lesbo's in front of others. I didn't like the negative attention it got me and immediately stopped holding her hand. After we broke up, I didn’t pursue girls to date anymore. I still considered myself bi-sexual in that I was still attracted to them, I just hid it further instead and didn’t tell anyone until I dated my ex. I really liked how Evan Rachel Wood describes how she realized that she was Bi. When I heard and learned about what the term Bi meant, there was something that finally clicked for me and I have used that term ever since.

As a kid it seems like you have a keen sense of what you lack that others have and you typically see in society. I know I seemed to easily notice in what ways I was different than others and how that was a bad thing. I felt super ashamed of my feelings for girls I did not even let them surface. I wanted to just blend in with everyone else, I did not want to deal with bullies. I did not feel comfortable to let myself entertain those thoughts, especially if I could not be public about the relationship. I imagine it will become hard to see other couples out in public and feel like you have to keep yours hidden. I never understood the idea of ‘I don’t care that they exist, but do they have to be so public about it?’ But why should they not? Other couples get to be open in public. No matter what your opinion is, representation does matter. It just might not be noticeable or matter as much to you or people like you because you have likely seen examples of yourself all around you growing up.

I find it funny when people think that being gay has become a trend or a phrase or that coming out is just for attention. It just perpetuates this idea that being gay is a choice. But who would want to choose to deal with hiding parts of themselves or deal with more pain and ridicule? Do you think gay people want to be targeted and hated? If there was a choice some of us would rather be like everyone else to avoid all the hate just for being ourselves. Are there bad apples in the gay community who let it go to their head and lose themselves? Yes, just like with any other community. People like to start gatekeeping and say you can’t be called that label unless you look or do this or being pushy about certain things but that is not what the community is about.

I have heard some say that the term Bi excludes non-binary people but that is not true. Contrary to what others make you believe, there is no official committee or anything that publishes specific definitions of labels. You do not get to dictate what someone else decides to call themselves or how they define it. It might not seem like a big deal to many, but it is a personal thing that is means a lot to many others. Since it is a new change for many and label definitions differ person to person, misunderstandings will happen so it also takes a certain patience and understanding with others who are not in the community. Many people are misinformed and don’t realize that until they get more exposure to the community for the first time. Understanding another person’s perspective and story really helps in learning how to better interact with and support them.

As I am accepting more and more of myself, I have gotten sad about the life I could have had if I had been able to be more open about my sexuality when I was younger. I watched Kristen Stewart and Lil Nas X, who I identified with many of his songs on his Montero album, come out to the world and live their young life authentically and openly themselves, including their relationships. I really felt like I missed out on many experiences and the self-acceptance I could have had if I would have allowed myself to acknowledge that part of me. But does that mean that I cannot pick up now where I left off then? NO. I think that is why there has been a resurgence recently in going back to your childhood comforts like stuffed animals, bright colors, and playing video and board games, among other things.

 Also, could be because us 90’s kids are now ‘adults’ and have adult money and credit cards. It feels like I am essentially trying to catch up for lost time and experiences. I honestly feel like I am just starting to scratch the surface of that part of myself and fully embracing myself, and I know I am not the only one. Sharing stories with others is huge part of what pride is all about and knowing you are not the only feeling the way you do can make a world of a difference. Ask me how I know. 😊

 

It is hard to feel pride

when you hide

It is hard to feel pride

when you hold it inside