Genders
I want to preface this with stating this is from my point of view growing up in the 90’s/early 2000’s, and very personal to me. I do mention my firsts in life but not in detail. I do not believe there are only two genders (different than your ‘sex’) and things are not as black and white. I have some outdated mindsets I am working through and am not perfect. Everyone has their own voice and story- this is mine.
From a very young age, I have known things that I couldn’t
explain but that I knew I was not supposed to know and I was not sure why or
how I knew. I felt ashamed and bad about it so it made me want to hide it or
anything close to it like it is not important. Anything about my body or sex
was not something that was talked about openly or at all. Growing up Christian
there is a lot of pressure on girls to stay ‘pure’ and not fall into
‘temptation’. It became clear us girls had to control ourselves since ‘boys
will be boys’ and you can’t control them. I remember in elementary school there
was this boy who would constantly harass and tease me. I hated being in the
spotlight and how annoying he was to me. I had no idea, and didn’t find out
until years later, that he had a crush on me. I am glad I did not realize that
at the time because I wonder if I would’ve thought that this is how someone
shows that they like you?
I have always been very aware of the competitive tension
between girls and boys. There seemed to be a distinct look and behavior that
was acceptable for a girl and a boy. I got picked on for anything that did not
fit into how a girl should look. First for my hairy arms and legs, which made
me want to start shaving and then because I startle easy so I think that is why
I started watching scary movies. I believe in a small way they became exposure
therapy for me. I loved watching Jaws because it was something that could happen
and the feeling I got during the movie when the music starts but you don’t see
anything yet, I equated to feeling anxious. You don’t see the threat yet you
feel threatened.
In school I was constantly worried about the dress code so I
avoided wearing certain clothing to school. My middle school had a standardized
dress code which I hated because we had to buy special clothes just to wear at
school, which seemed like a waste. Does it really matter that my shoelaces are
blue? It is cold inside school but living in the south there is a 9/10 chance
it will be hot outside and I think we all should wear what makes us
comfortable. I still sometimes fret over what to wear and what is appropriate but
I no longer avoid showing any body hair in public. I now let me leg hair grow and
don’t worry about it and its freeing, in a way. What is the obsession with
girls looking and staying young?
My lack of trust in men stems from the abandonment I felt
growing up in a single-parent household. My grandpa more than made up for it
and I know my dad was there for some of my childhood, but I still felt this
void and anger. I remember hearing the song Emotionless by Good Charlotte and
really identifying with the lyrics. That song, and many others of theirs,
really got me and validated my young and hopeless feelings (see what I did there?
Check out the album). Then when I dated guys, I did not have a healthy
relationship with them. If you have ever read a hopeless romantic novel or seen
any cringy romance movies, like that. If you want to check out more emo music
from my childhood, I have a playlist of all it here- https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1jqlgsI59h6g1UKGFgmIDP?si=3e25f74a7c83462b
~ Young & Hopeless by Good Charlotte
I dated a girl for the first time in middle school but when
we decided to hold hands at school a guy bullied us about it so I stopped.
Although we ended up no longer being friends, I learned from that relationship
that I liked girls but did not want to be public about it yet. I only told a
few guys I dated, which I admit were to my advantage. For me personally I am
attracted to both but that does not mean I want to date both or everyone I see.
Preferences, like sexuality and gender, is fluid and can change though. As much
as it was a struggle for me, it is even tougher to be a non-straight guy in
this world. A lot of it has to do with toxic masculinity which says guys cannot
be feminine or show emotions. Crying, being sad, or showing affection are not
as socially acceptable for men to openly express as it is with women. No one
gender all acts a certain way. You can’t wear pink or cry in public, you have
to be the strong one holding the family together. It almost paints any
characteristic of being a stereotypical ‘woman’ as a bad thing?
And the fact that the ‘friendzone’ is a bad thing when being
friends should be the base of any great relationship. I have a hard time making
and keeping friends as it is. I will take being a friend over something superficial
that is not deep. It becomes an issue when one person wants more than friends and,
in my experience, it seems like boys are not able to be just friends with a
girl the same way a girl can be just friends with a guy. We are all human who
feel a great many things and all go through many of the same things, yet it
seems anger is commonly used as a weapon for control, which really just makes
me angry, go figure.
~Mans World by MARINA
It is crazy to reflect back on the sequence of events
sometimes that led to where you are now. I met the person who took my virginity
my junior year of high school. I remember after school one day I was driving
him and his friend home (I was the only one with a car) and they asked me if I
was virgin and, without thinking, I told them. They reassured me right away
thought that it was actually a good thing because ‘once girls have sex, they go
crazy.’ I thought it was weird to mention but didn’t think anything of it. One
night we watched a movie and then it happened. I know now our relationship was
not healthy and I played a part in that too but I was only with him and we did
not use protection. I am so glad I never got pregnant because I had a very
unhealthy attachment to him, seeing as he was my first, and our relationship as
a whole was not healthy.
Being religious, my mom never really gave me the sex talk
but eventually figured out I was sexually active and took me to Planned
Parenthood to get me on birth control. It was then I found out I had Pelvic
inflammatory disease (PID), which was shocking to me because I had no idea what
that was or that anything was wrong at the time. Reflecting back on moments in
the past I do think the symptoms were there but I thought it was just normal? This
is how it’s supposed to feel right? Everything good and pleasurable in life
comes with a little pain, right? After we broke up, he continued to bully me
about it and I kept running into him everywhere around town when he was the
last person I wanted to see. It was a hard time for me but I made it through and
am better now but I guess it is true what they say- you never forget your
first, even when you want to and try to.
Maybe I notice it more as a girl but I feel like getting
pregnant and having kids is glamorized so much that it feels like if you do not
have or want kids as a woman that there must be something wrong with you. I get
it- childbirth is magical and babies can be cute but am I somehow worth less as
a woman because I don’t want to have my own child? Or is it that I must be
secretly jealous of others who do have kids or the picture-perfect family? And
if you are not looking to start a family then you must make your main focus
your career. I have never wanted to value myself on what I do for a living
though. I feel like it’s important for kids to realize there are many ways to
live your life and there are more options out there than they think. Getting
married and having kids and a family does not have to be it. There is so much
more you can explore and do. I feel like I have limited myself in so many ways
for no reason in the past and I plan to start questioning my limitations but
also maybe changing what l prioritize.
While watching Games of Thrones I remember rooting for the
mother of dragons the whole series as I thought she was the underdog and how
everyone who followed her did so out of love and not fear. Eventually at the
end of the series it became clear that she was just as power hungry as the
Lannister’s and I switched to rooting for Jon Snow, the bastard who was shunned
by everyone and never wanted to be king. There was a small part of me that
wanted her to win because she was female in a male dominated world, but in the
end, (it doesn’t even matter? Haha oh Linkin Park) she could not stop herself
from getting caught up in the game of thrones. I believe our system sucks and needs
an overhaul as it was way too easy for an angry white guy to do and say whatever
and not only not be behind bars, but run for president not once but twice.
~Boys Will Be Boys by Dua Lipa
I really wished gender didn’t matter but for me and many
other girls we usually feel more comfortable and freely to be ourselves around
other girls than guys, even when choosing doctors. There was a question asked
around social media about which would you rather encounter alone in the woods,
a bear or a man, and most people said a bear and I agree. The point was that
the uncertainty of a bear encounter sounds safer and a better option than
finding any man in the woods and I understand that and I think many other girls
will as well. I thought back and realized I seem to make better decisions when
it comes to girls than guys in general because girls are not as pushy and seem
to respect your decision more. My past experiences
have backed up that feeling. Even when the decision is difficult to make like
breaking up with my first poly partner, which ended up being the final straw
before getting on medication in 2020. It turns out that when you are deeply
depressed you cannot give yourself fully for a relationship. I no longer want
to be perfect or live up to a certain standard other than myself.
~Overdrive by Hippie Sabotage
We all have had childhoods, most of the ones I hear are not
that great, and I doubt whether we were a boy or a girl matters how well we
adjusted or not. A lot of what we experience as humans I believe we were never
equipped to handle and should never have had to in the first place so it makes
sense that we will need help sometimes, regardless of gender. Yet it seems to
me like mental health is more freely shared and talked about between women than
men. Though in a recent episode of this dating show on Netflix, a couple of
guys actually talked about their mental health and how guys need to open up
with each other more so they know they are not alone. I really liked to see
that on TV so blatantly. It gave me hope that maybe one day things will change.
I have been reading more autobiographies lately and they
have given me a lot of perspective, a few of them being Rebel Rising by Rebel
Wilson, This Will Only Hurt a Little by Busy Philipps, and He Won’t Get Far on
Foot by John Callahan. I have also learned a lot about quadriplegics and their
struggles and many things I had never thought of before but also many things I
could identify with too. I find non-fiction like these are fun to read before
bed because sometimes my fiction books have too much action for bedtime when I
am trying to wind down. I have yet to make a post on books or reading but it is
in the works.
Comments
Post a Comment