Love

I used to think that your soul was split into halves and the purpose of your life is to find that other piece of your soul that fills in all the missing pieces. I thought that was my life’s purpose when I was younger- find my life partner. And then I guess everything else would fall into place after that? My, my, how naive was I. (Wow did I just rhyme?). But I no longer believe that.

Reflecting back over my life, I think I was searching for love so hard I didn’t take the time to get to know and love myself. I heard all these good things about myself from others but they didn’t do anything because I didn’t really believe them. Reading some of my old journals from when I was younger, it seemed like my emotional state depended on if I interacted with whoever I was dating or crushing on at the time. If I didn’t see them or if I felt like I was being ignored or rejected I had a much more depressing day. It was eye opening realizing how unhealthy and emotionally exhausting that must have been.

I grew up watching Disney movies and playing with Barbies and horses in the floor. I was boy crazy and in love with romance. The way it was depicted in TV shows and movies fit with how it was for me when I was younger. I was also obsessed with boy bands like N*SYNC and Backstreet Boys. I had crushes, not all reciprocated. I was very sensitive to rejection and still am somewhat. Every break up would hurt a lot. A few times I had to be the rejecter and that was not fun either because I hate hurting people. Love is not all pretty like in the movies, but also doesn’t have to be as hard or complicated. I feel like we just it that much harder on ourselves when it doesn’t have to be.  

I no longer believe that you need to find a partner first in life. It helps to wonder why you feel like you are searching in the first place. What is missing that you are really looking for and can that be something you can provide yourself? After my panic attack I realized that another person cannot always be there and at some point, you need to learn to be there for yourself as well. I still have a hard time taking care of myself. I am not perfect. But I have started taking steps to learn more about myself and my needs so I can take care of myself better. When I take care of myself, I am able to be more present in my life, in what way I need to show up. Self-care can be really hard to keep up with but at the end of the day I know I am only responsible for me. That has been hard to accept because I have not always liked myself. But who else knows you better than yourself?

I think love is so romanticized in movies and makes love seem way more dramatic and all-consuming than it should be. It is no wonder we are obsessed with love and will do anything for it. What can you find in almost every story line in anything you watch? Romance. As I get older, I realize just how chaotic and toxic some people picture love, including me in the past. There is a skit by a comedian I really like named Daniel Sloss about how we are in love with the idea of love more than the person we are with, which I can totally believe. I do not think marriage should be ‘forever’, but also should not be treated lightly either. I feel like many people get married too quickly and get divorced too quickly.

I believe it is possible to love multiple people for different reasons and in different ways. Every person is different and has different things they like or dislike, which is totally valid and should be respected. When I was younger, I felt ashamed for having different preferences or disliking certain things and conformed to what others wanted. When you have multiple partners, you can do more things you like, especially being Bi and getting to date a man and a woman, if that's what you want to do.

I do not believe you can adequately expect one person to be everything you need or check every box on your list. And no, it is not just about sex. At all. (Why’s everything gotta be about sex?) It is about fulfilling so much more. For me I like my alone time, which looks differently depending on my mood, but sometimes I want to go do something my husband is not into and my partner might be. It can be as simple as food preference or date night activity. I like to keep an open mind to experience but also respect preferences and not push if someone does not want to do a certain activity, as I hope they would do for me.

I was not always polyamorous and I respect people who are monogamous. I do not believe everyone should be poly but I wish it was more widely accepted or known so there is less shame. There are other options out there than what you usually see in the world. I watch this show called Love is Blind and in it these singles go into these ‘pods’ to talk with other single strangers hoping to fall in love and get married, similar to speed dating. In it they have to do all that AND get engaged all without seeing each other. I have seen many times while watching where someone has made multiple distinct connections that fulfill different parts of themselves and have a hard time deciding on which one to break off. I wonder sometimes how a show like that would go if everyone was poly and knew they were. What if they didn’t have to choose?

Every person is different and has different preferences when it comes to their relationship and that is true for poly couples too. It can get quite complicated and is definitely not easy. You have to make hard decisions and compromises that you have never had to make before. At first, we wanted to find someone for both of us but it was difficult finding one person we both liked who also liked both of us. It became infinitely better when we began looking for partners for just us individually. This is where you have to think of yourself as separate, whole person outside of your primary relationship and what you can offer someone.

The biggest question when it comes to being poly is how you handle jealousy. Honestly, it comes down to a conversation on what the bottom issue is and figure out together what should happen from there. Sometimes jealousy comes from a feeling of possessiveness that seems to be the considered ‘normal’ in relationships, which I do not agree with. Another person is not your property to do with as you please. Relationships should not be a reason to control someone.

Love comes in many forms and I think we get so caught up in what love should look like that we fail to see the little ways in which we show love. And the obsession specifically with romantic love when the love between friends is just as valid and sometimes stronger. Some people do not express love in the same way you do and that is fine. That does not mean that they do not love you any less. It just might take some time to pick up on their love language. I tend to not be as verbally expressive with my feelings as others but I show it in other ways. I have never been a touchy, physical contact type of person and my husband is so we have had to compromise on that.

I believe love should be shared when possible because this is a cold, lonely world without it. I believe you fall in love many times over your lifetime in small or big ways and you learn something new each time. There is this pressure for it to last forever, but I do not think that is realistic. A person goes through many changes throughout their life and so does the person they are with. Just like plants, you might find yourself growing in different directions and that is okay. Sometimes learning to love yourself is the hardest part.

Yeah, you know I love you more than anyone else
But it's hard for me to love you when you won't love yourself

Don't look now we're falling out of the sky
Upside down baby yeah you and I
We're just gonna burn
If you don't put your oxygen mask on first

~Oxygen Mask

by Sasha Alex Sloan