Parents

November 2020

Because of past trauma I have had fear of abandonment most of my life. They say that you grow up idolizing your same sex parent and for me that was correct. I was raised by a single mom who was independent, hard working, and caring. Growing up she had to work hard to keep the electricity and food on the table. Since I was an only child I spent a lot of time alone which I think is beneficial on the whole. I will admit it could get lonely sometimes. Eventually I started to get into my teens and entered into the typical rebellious/emo phase. The label of teenagers being so moody is so correct. I totally get it because I was one (never forget where you come from people!). I actually thought I had it bad just because I had a parent who cared. I wanted to do what I wanted to do no matter what. In the back of my mind though I never wanted to disappoint her. And I think that is true for most kids. Deep down they do not want to disappoint you so listen and emphasize with them. Always keep open communication between you two. When your children feel like you don't trust them they will hide things from you or do not feel comfortable sharing their true selves with you. 

No matter how close or not you are to your parents eventually you have to make the big decision to break away from them and become your own person. Sometimes it takes an outside source that you trust to point out patterns you did not see before. When you are involved so deeply as you are with your parents (biological or the ones who raised you) it is hard to see how they have affected you. 

As children we look up to the people who raised us or who we were growing up around. Whether they are a good influence or not, you observe their behavior and pick up a lot of things. Children are like sponges, they absorb whatever they are around and know more than you think. They are smarter than most give them credit for. 

You think you are your own person in your younger years but don't realize how much of an influence society and the people we surround ourselves with are until later in life. 

Eventually we realize that we are all human so no matter how hard we try not to we will make mistakes and are not always our best selves. We are imperfect. So I do not think we should expect our children to be perfect. When they make mistakes remind them they are not a bad person they just made a bad choice. When I was younger I had consequences like privilege's taken away when I did something bad. I learned from that there are always consequences to your actions so you just gotta deal with them. 

In my opinion, I think we are too hard on children on a whole.  Sometimes I think we forget that they are basically little sponges learning about themselves and their environment. Usually they do that by play or interactions with others. The main thing they do at the beginning of their lives is learn. We can either listen and engage them in a healthy way that will promote learning or we can shut it down. I believe children are smarter than what we give them credit for but we also need to keep in mind that they are still children. They are not always going to act like you want them to. If you have not been around children much and then experience one it can be overwhelming. They do not just sit still and be quiet like most adults do. We already know the world. They are just experiencing it. Constantly getting onto them and controlling what they do all the time does nothing but inhibit their learning. Teach them why. Don't just give them arbitrary rules to follow because you are the parent and they should listen to you. While they should listen to you, them just blatantly following your instructions because of who you are to them could be how another person in authority can take advantage of them. I hate to break it to you but most child molestations happen with family members. 

I fully admit that I am not a parent so I and I do not judgement of other moms. I have formed my opinion from talking with friends who are parents and just observations in general. I do not think I could ever be a parent because of all the pressures that comes with being responsible for another human being. That and somedays it is hard just being responsible for myself! It seems to me that most parents feel a great deal of pressure of doing it right. There is no manual for how to raise children (I so wish there was) so we just have to do our best. It does not help that it seems like everyone is so judgmental on how people parent- easier to do now with social media. Everyone seems to think they are an expert on how to raise children just because they have raised some. But every child is different so one thing might not work for all. 

Parenting is not a one size fits all. There are more than one ways to raise a decent human being. Several celebrities have gotten media attention for pictures or videos of their children and then everyone has some kind of critique. But you don't know their life. So I totally understand why some celeb's shield their children and private life from the media and public. I wanted to say that it is not anyone's business how someone else parents their child but I also wanted to add- unless it is even close to abuse. And I don't always mean physical abuse. That leaves visible scars that people can notice. The other forms of abuse I think are harder to spot signs of because they are more psychological than physical. 

I think some people get so into the control and power play of being a parent that they use their role to intimidate their child into doing or being what they want, even into their adult years. Parenting out of fear to me does a lot more harm than good. They love you and want acceptance from you so they do what you suggest but even if they do they might resent you for it and that will drive them further from you. They might feel like they need to hide their true selves to survive in the world. To fully enjoy their life a child needs to be able to make their own choices, not yours. Some parents, without even thinking about it, project their insecurities onto their children sometimes. Parents should want what's best for their child. Period.

It doesn't matter if you are a parent or not, if you make a mistake own up to it. You should set a good example for your child and always strive to be better. Everyone is quick to say that kids have no respect for elders. Well sometime elders are not always right. Sometimes 'elders' can't be trusted. Most molestations happen with a friend or family member. And just because someone is your parent doesn't mean they will always treat you right. Some parents can become toxic to their children. When they refuse to listen to them and instead throw blame and guilt.