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Like ogres, we humans can have many layers to us. For some people it can be really hard for them to open up because of all the layers they have built inside. It can take a while for them to dissolve their defensive layers and be fully themselves so it can require patience to really get to know them. Being of the human species with many layers I admit that I have had a hard time letting people in. I feel like I have held a lot of myself back over the years because I fear rejection and judgement. But I have done a lot of self-reflection this year and I want to stop living in fear. So while I started this blog mainly for something to do during quarantine, I also made it because I don't want to be afraid to put myself out there anymore. It doesn't matter how hard you try, someone is going to find something to judge you about but that is a reflection of them not you. So don't be afraid to be your authentic, weird, nerdy, awkward self. Learning to accept myself is something I am continuing to work on everyday. I hope that challenging myself to overcome my anxieties by doing this blog will help me gain more self-confidence, something I have lacked for many years, even when I didn't realize it.  

We all have our own unique story with mental health. Growing up I struggled on/off with depression and anxiety stemming from childhood trauma. I won't lie and say that I had a perfect childhood because I didn't- I went through some tough times. I was picked on for my arm hair, leg hair, glasses, or anything that was different. It didn't help that I was shy and had a hard time making new friends because of that. I was in therapy most of my younger life up until I got into high school and joined the dance team. I have loved dance ever since I took some ballet classes when I was younger. Don't let that fool you though, I was your typical emo teenager and I have the cringe-worthy journals to prove it- haha! I went through a lot of emotional ups and downs but I managed through it with support from my family and friends, among other things. 

High school I just wanted to stay out of drama and make good grades, which I managed to do fairly well. I was surprisingly really good at math, especially algebra. It just seemed to come easily to me. My family had setup a college fund for me to go to college so I did, though I had no idea what I wanted to do or major in yet. So I started at a community college with my basics and ended up taking a Psychology class that really interested me. That was when my love for psychology and mental health took off. 

When I transferred to a local University I decided to make it my major and I did not regret it. The material seemed to make a lot sense to me for some reason I cannot explain. When I got into the higher level classes I did even better. I thought about adding a minor or something so I took a sociology class one semester. However I didn't well and quickly learned after it brought my GPA down to only stick with my major going forward. I was upset that I didn't do better but I didn't regret taking it because it made me more confident in my choice of major. I honestly loved learning about anything psychology. One of my favorite professors told us "The Starfish Story" one day in class about making a difference to others which really resonated with me. I will include an image below. 

I was disappointed to find out in one of my upper level classes that you really cannot do much with a bachelors in psych. In order to really use my degree I would have to go into graduate school and continue my education, which I wasn't expecting. Looking back on it now, I wasn't even 100% sure I wanted to be a psychologist I just knew it interested me and I seemed to be doing well in the classes. I really didn't know what I wanted to do career-wise. But I knew I didn't want to change my major around a million times. I don't regret choosing it as my major, even though I'm not doing anything with psychology I truly believe it has helped shaped me into the person I am today. A better, more understanding person. I have realized that you never know if someone has a mental illness or what they are going through so be patient and try not to judge. 

I always tend to give people the benefit of the doubt in the hopes that they will return the favor with me. I hate to be misunderstood and taken for someone I am not so I try to do the same for others. It is not always easy though. In my experience it almost seems to be easier to let your emotions or anxiety get the best of you, especially when in conflict with someone or when it's something you are passionate about. It leads to a lot of guilt afterwards, which is a topic for another post. Oh that reminds me- I will often come up with ideas for other posts in my posts so be on the lookout for that. Haha.

We are emotional creatures, there is no escaping that. I don't think we should fight that emotional part of ourselves but we can learn to manage it better. We tend to forget that we are in control of our life and instead put the blame on outside forces, which I admit that I am guilty of myself. But the truth is that we are in control of our reactions, thoughts, emotions, and body. No one else. And we have more control over all of that than we think. 

Much of what I will include here and in other posts originate from things I have learned from my own past experiences, both good and bad. I don't believe I know it all, in fact I love not knowing everything- it gives me more to look forward to learning about! I think the biggest mistake that we all make is that we think we are done growing but we never are. As time goes on and as science and technology evolves we learn more about us and nature and find ways to be better humans. There is no harm in wanting better for yourself and for what/who you love. I may not pursue anything with my degree but I've come to realize that I do not want to be known for what I do for a living but for what kind of person I am. I know I am not perfect and don't always say the right thing but I keep trying anyway. And that is honestly all anybody can ask for. <3