Art and Balance

In art you often have to use darker colors and shadows to highlight lighter colors. All colors in a painting would blend in and look the same without light to counter the darker colors and vice versa. It is almost necessary to have them both in art in order to show depth and look more realistic. This is also true in life. Like the band Disturbed sang once upon a pre-COVID time, ‘sometimes darkness can show you the light.’

I find I have a hard time figuring out what colors and how much to mix to get a certain color which is frustrating. Even with a color mixing wheel and tools to assist I would end up mixing too much or not enough of color and it would turn out wrong. I figured out eventually that it was the frustration from choosing and mixing colors that was holding me back from painting more so I challenged myself to work with black and white only to see what might come out. I decided to experiment one day and was surprised by how much depth I was able to accomplish with just the two colors. I loved that I didn’t have to worry about switching out a bunch of colors or it drying out all the time. Plus, even if it does dry out or you use up all your paint, you only have to worry about buying two colors.

I did not start out learning painting. My early experience taking art lessons as a kid was with graphite and colored pencil. But I decided to give painting a shot because I always wanted to learn. Even in the deepest part of my depression when I was shutting down in 2019, I was able to paint some snowy trees just experimenting that turned out really good and I really had no idea what I was doing. I was not paying attention to the colors I was using or the big picture but letting it flow. When I am not trusting myself or the process, I tend to hold myself back and I do not want to do that anymore.

Every time they hear this, they gon' say he made an anthem, life ain't a panda

Shit ain't black and white, it's a canvas

~Black Habits by D Smoke

I have always been really drawn to the idea of the line between good and evil so I was really intrigued about the fight between the light versus dark side while (finally) watching the Star Wars series. I was not into science fiction growing up so I avoided Star Wars or anything like that, unfortunately missing out. Then one day I finally watched all of them and I was really into it and upset it took me that long to watch them. I loved the twist with Darth Vader and the light sabers that remind me of glow sticks, which makes sense because I have always been obsessed with flashy things or things that glow. I really wish they were real.

There were surprisingly many things in which I related to in the series. I thought when I was younger that I would not be able to identify with anything in the series because of the otherworldly/futuristic theme and characters, but there were also surprisingly many relatable human elements included as well. There is always something you can relate to if you look for it. I thought about it more and realized this series is made by humans with human experiences and emotions, of course it will be relatable in some aspects you just have to look for it. (spoilers) I was especially intrigued by the moment that Darth Vader switches from the dark side and why. I learned some about the grey Jedi, which I thought were really cool and the more I learn the more it interests me.

There is more nuance in life than just good or evil. It is usually never that easy to tell. When I realized that there are books out there with even more Star Wars stories, I started to become obsessed with exploring more of the world. So far, I have read Wrath of Darth Maul, Dark Disciple, and started to read the Jedi Apprentice series about Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan. I have a soft spot for Obi-Wan and I heard that Qui-Gon did not always follow the Jedi line perfectly, which intrigued me. There is now a separate section of books just for Star Wars at my home library. I love to just browse through them sometimes. Talking about the series now I have decided to pick one up to read and chose Darth Plagueis, which I remember buying in store as the summary intrigued me.  

It really does take us all. My view of America has always been a melting pot. We are better diverse and benefit from each other and learning about other cultures. There is so much we can learn from each other so it frustrates me to see the treatment of some others who cannot change who they are and should not have to hide. I think the pushback against trans people is not about trans people at all but fears being projected of something unhealed. Society is shifting in many ways and some are resisting the change and taking their anger out at the wrong people when it’s just a distraction.

I have had my own misplaced anger that I let run wild in the past which I regret. When you start to heal, you start to ask more from yourself and others, which is when you start to take your power back. Some powers-that-be might not like that and start to fight back. I am embracing this new ‘let them’ philosophy and letting people choose their own path. I have to figure out what works best for me because we are all on our own journey. After 2020 I want to start living my life for me more. It has been hard realizing that is not selfish to choose myself more and become a better friend to myself.

Learning from other people how life is like where they are from, especially with the internet now, you learn how it could be where you are at and some people don’t want others to know that. That is really sad to me because I love learning about other languages and cultures. I love listening to music that is not all in English and started a playlist for just those. There have been multiple times I have been listening to a song and have no idea what they are saying but I am enjoying it anyway. Some of them are in more than two different languages in the same song, which I think is really cool.

I am all about music that dares to be bold and not stay in the same lane. Blending genres and blending languages. I only know Spanish from high school and college and am slowly teaching myself Hawaiian and German, which I find really fun to recognize German and Hawaiian in my day to day while learning. I have found German way easier to learn than either actually. It is just in speaking it that I don’t feel confident yet but that can only come with time and experience. I have decided to take a step back from social media in general to focus more on learning and creativity.

Time has been moving way too fast for me and I have been struggling to keep up. I have gotten too caught up in the state of the world, which becomes overwhelming and hopeless so I have started to re-focus back into my internal world. In re-evaluating what makes me happy I realize that I don’t actually need much. Music, dancing, reading, writing, and art bring so much to my life and there is so much more to discover and do. I want to learn watercolor and other art techniques to expand my knowledge.

I got this new witchy book about the Wheel of the Year and the changes that come with each season. It’s really made me realize that I need to slow down and appreciate the little things in life. Over time I am slowly learning how much I take for granted and how much of what I thought I knew growing up is not correct. Like the dandelion, often considered a nuisance to be eradicated, the book mentions that the it is an early season flower that is essential for bees and other pollinators. I have found plenty of weeds that are really pretty and learning about how they actually help benefit the environment. Many of the things that were taught or the mindset at the time is no longer valid today so I think it is good to re-evaluate and challenge old narratives or assumptions.

The Wheel of the Year has the cycles of the seasons going from cold and dark to bright and sunny. Just as the seasons and the moon go through cycles of changes, I have to allow myself to fluctuate and change. The hard part, and what I struggle with, is letting go. Why is it hard to let go, even when we want to and know its best? Maybe I get it confused with admitting defeat. Like I lost something by letting go. But it is really about what you gain though, right? There is always something to gain and carry forward.

Spring is coming around and its time to start planting things and I am hesitant to deal with the ever-changing, unpredictable weather but am going to try my best anyway as any means to stay sane and hopefully rely less and less on the grocery store for food. I now have my first carnivorous plant- a Venus fly trap! I am excited for the summer and letting it catch flies. Not too many though because it uses up a lot of energy eating and is a different type of plant to care for, similar to succulents and cacti. I have finally repotted the pomegranates in bigger pots so they should grow more. Taking them out of their pots it was easy to tell that they were very ready to get transplanted. I know that feeling all too well. I also put the fly trap in a new pot with special soil (sphagnum moss) that was so cool to watch expand! It reminded me of the peat pellets that come with the seed starting tray that expand with water.

I have not been doing my nails and started picking at them again bad enough I could not do them myself. I finally gave in recently and got them done again at a salon, and, like magic, they were able to give me nails again. Now I have to get used to doing everything all over again, requiring me to slow down to really concentrate on what I am doing. I am hopeful that they will grow out again, as I am with the plants that survived winter. It is crazy how they spring back from being dormant. I had them in the garage and hadn’t been watered in a while so they were extra dry. I thought for sure they were dead but I have slowly seen signs of life as I have been watering them outside. Through them I am reminded to always have hope, even when things look bleak.

To help with choosing colors my husband told me about The Color Cube and Catalog by Sarah Renae Clark and it was just what I didn’t know I needed. It takes the hassle right out of picking colors and has helped me get out of my creativity slump. I have re-found my love of colored pencils and prefer using them instead of painting but I do want to get back into painting sometime. Maybe painting different things besides on canvas. Whatever I want to do it gives me 500 cards to choose from that includes a picture and the colors in the picture, it physical or digital format. Since I use Prismacolor brand of colored pencils I also use the Color Catalog Companion which lists the Prismacolor color number of the colored pencil that matches, or closely matches, the colors on the card. There are 500 that come in 2 boxes of 250 each and all the different colors look really good together. It has made coloring and choosing colors exciting so I highly recommend.

In my Nature post I talked about how life exists on a delicate balance between everything and if you disturb one thing then other things suffer and it start to get messy. If one predator overpopulates an area then they are more likely to run out of prey for food. This is why climate change is affecting so many different things than just the oceans. More than we realize, though nature only knows just how much and how bad it really is. The planet doesn’t need us but we need it. And yet we treat it like we do. Why?  I know we feel like we have infinite resources but we do not. The more that balance is disrupted, the more things become unpredictable.

I might have been a ballerina/dancer, but that does not mean that I know how to perfectly balance everything in my life, including myself, or that I find balance easy. In fact, I struggle with it a lot. I found that writing helps me regain focus and I can turn to my creative side when I need to help my mental health. Painting or drawing usually goes best when I let myself go and fully be in the moment, allowing me to escape. When I start to correct, overthink, get hypercritical or focused on errors like not looking exactly like the picture, then it poisons the moment. Sometimes I have to take a step back for a moment and do something different so I can come back to look with fresh eyes. In art and is many ways in life.