Bully

What do you do when the biggest bully in your life is yourself? My biggest bully has been living inside my head all my life and I didn’t realize it until my depression hit rock bottom before I first got on medication in 2020. I started to become this person I did not like and every decision I made seemed to add to that internal hate. I became more and more depressed the more I believed the bully. Now I know that I can have control of my thoughts and what I give my attention to in my life. Though it can be really easy to fall back into old thought or behavior patterns, especially if you are surrounded by the past.

I was an easy target for bullies growing up as I was shy and frequently bullied for my thick, dark hairy arms and legs or any other way I did not ‘fit in’. That is one personal reason why I am glad that trans/non-binary people are becoming more accepted and allowed to freely express themselves. As I grew up, I realized I didn’t care to fit in with most girls so I had a hard time making and keeping friends. I hung around boys in high school who made fun of each other as friends but it was obviously not bullying because it was playful. After a while of being bullied it can become easy to want to become like them and bully back. It feels powerful in a way. It can feel like you are getting your power back but it is not the power you really want and only leads to regret. If I was ever a bully to anyone, I apologize and do not wish that on anyone.

You think bullies are only on school playgrounds or something only the younger generation deals with until you become one yourself. I am not sure when it became cool to be a bully as an adult but it seems really easy to hate and find differences these days. I know I have become combative in the past about topics I am passionate about, but if someone else does not have the same view then I try to respect that as I hope they would me. My problem is that I like to understand the ‘why’. I like to compare to things I already know and find the differences and expand on that. It interesting to think about.

I like that we all have differences and I now realize pushing someone one way or the other only causes them to dig in their heels more and pushes them further away. You have to be careful not to become a bully yourself because bullies love to push boundaries and if you do not let them know when they have pushed too far then they will keep pushing. I have always tried to treat others how I want to be treated, be patient, and give the benefit of the doubt but at some point, enough is enough. If someone is intent on misunderstanding me and believing whatever they want then I will no longer deny their reality. Believe whatever you want. But I am also free to not follow your beliefs and slowly distance myself. You can’t control other people, only yourself.