4/20/24

Today is your birthday- you would have been 29. It has been 6 years now that you have been gone and it feels like just yesterday sometimes. That day really shook my whole world up and I was never the same. I was so caught off guard when I heard. Out of all the losses in my life, yours was the most shocking and hardest to come to terms with when it happened. I remember feeling so guilty when I remembered the lost opportunities to get to know you better. Maybe become friends. I do not have the easiest time making friends and there might have been a potential one in you all along, who knows. I think it is the not knowing part that bothers me the most. Not knowing if it would have made a difference or not.

I learned so much about your past after you were already gone and I found we have more in common than I thought. I often wonder what all we could have bonded over. I bet you would love to learn how to dip your nails so you could do them yourself. If you wanted me to, I would dip your nails just like I did the girls. They really liked when I did that. I sometimes wonder if we would have been close friends. Maybe if we knew each other from school or something. I don’t know why I didn’t take the time to get to know you as a person. I usually keep to myself but I thought you were sweet and very easy to talk with. You seemed like you would have made a great friend if I had made the effort. Maybe I thought I would have more time. Don’t we all?

I never would have guessed for things to happen like they did. I sometimes think about how it must have been for you that day. I could not imagine what you might have been experiencing or thinking. I wonder if you knew or not. I find it hard to imagine you giving up, especially since I saw how great you were with them. You had too much to lose. You were a natural mom and I could tell you loved them. They loved to do Snapchat with me all the time just like they did with you! I thought that was really cute.

I vividly remember when y’all came to ask us if we would be their godparents. I only knew what that was thanks to Harry Potter (Sirius Black) and I never thought I would be one so it was exciting. We accepted, but of course we really didn’t think it was something to worry about. I never thought it would potentially have any real effect on my life. But after losing you, we were hit with another loss exactly a year later. I could not believe it happened on the same day. Just when you think your life is starting to calm down. February has never been the same after 2018 and 2019. And then 2020 happened and it just felt like we could not catch a break. In many ways, it feels like time stopped in 2018 and has not been the same world since.

I am not around kids very much so watching them grow has been fun. I forgot how fast kids grow and change. They are too smart for their own good- way more intuitive than I was at that age. I wish you were here to witness.. There have been times I have wondered what if it had been me instead.. but a loss is a loss. I have never really wanted kids before, though they have always loved me. I heard you wanted to be a nurse, which I feel like you would have been a prefect nurse. But really you could have done anything you wanted. I will say I am glad you did not get to experience 2020 as a nurse. I am hoping one day to learn more about you. I just don’t want them to forget to you. I know I will not. It makes me wish I had more stories to share with them. Every time I see somebody with your name I smile and remember you.

As they grow, I worry they will look up to me more and more and I am scared that I am not a good role model for them. As I reflect back on my childhood, I am realizing just how many things I picked up as a child from others around me, without even being taught. I forget just how observant and curious they are about everything. Are kids always this talkative? I have learned a lot through them though, that is for sure. I learned I am not smarter than a 5^th grader. They are talking about things I didn’t even think of at that age. Is this how being a parent feels like? I know I am overthinking it but I really don’t want to pass on any bad habits when it comes to them.

I am glad you made it into the wedding pictures. I smile every time I see you and am always blown away by your natural beauty. I remember you had something else going on so you missed some of the wedding and the reception. Sometimes I forget that you are in the wedding pictures until I see you in the group photo. It makes me sad because it does seem like the good die young or early. There are too many things you are missing out on in their lives and it scares me sometimes what the future will hold for them.

It seems like one of the girls is turning out to be more and more like me and that scares me but also motivates me. I am still getting to know myself and cope with all the changes in my life and in the world. I know I have made mistakes and will make more. I find I keep backtracking but each time I do I learn something new. I want to have everything all figured out faster than is possible and I forget I learn best by doing and making mistakes. It is supposed to be about the journey, not the destination, right? Lately it seems like all I can focus on is where I would like to be that I am not. My brain likes to make me believe that since it has not happened yet, that it will never happen but I know that is not true. I just find myself feeling stuck in the same place and not growing, even though I know I am.

It always feels like we should be doing more. I know time is limited and nothing is guaranteed and yet I still get caught up in the day to day. I blink and before I know it, it has been a couple months since I have seen them and feel guilty. Time seems to go by so fast and it is too hard to keep up with everything. So much has happened and changed since 2018 I decided to create a spreadsheet to reflect back on. It really helps to put things in perspective and zoom out to reflect over the years. I was hoping things in the world would get better after 2020 but I am not sure. I find it harder and harder to stay optimistic. I have so many ideas of things I want to do and try but the energy and motivation to get started just isn’t there. I fight with my brain constantly and it is always tempting to give up and give in. But I think about all the thoughts that went through my head when you passed and how it has affected everyone and realize I don’t want anyone to experience that. 

As shocking as your death was to me, it was also a wakeup call that made me finally admit to myself that I needed to get help. Even though I didn’t end up actually getting the help until 2020, it was a huge motivator that pushed me and reminded me that something needed to change. I knew after you passed that I did not want anyone to go through what I did. The guilt and wondering ‘What if’.  I didn’t find out about your struggles with depression/mental health until after you were already gone. Knowing my own struggles and then learning about yours after it was already too late really hurt. It made me regret even more not opening up to you. I can’t do anything about it now but learn from it and work on myself, which I feel like I am always doing. At some point I had to stop because it seemed to drag on my mental health, always feeling like I had to ‘fix’ myself. Learning to accept yourself as you are now is a process that is not easy but you have to trust it anyways.

“Hey Lord, You know I'm trying
Hey Lord, You know I'm trying
It's all I got, is this enough?
Hey Lord, I wanna stay"

'I’m Tired' – Labrinth ft. Zendaya