Mountains

Before I sought help in 2020, I was super depressed and shutting down. I mostly felt numb, with some happy moments scattered here and there. I was giving up hope that I was not going to feel much of anything again, except maybe this internal rage that never seemed to go away. I just thought that this was the person I am now.

In 2018 I had experienced a shocking loss that changed me forever. Sometimes when you have one loss it brings up all the other losses (or potential losses) and you start to feel them all over again. During that summer my husband and I took a trip to Breckenridge Colorado and something changed. We had been once before for a winter family skiing trip but wanted to experience Colorado in the summer. We had never been outdoorsy people ever, except maybe when we were younger. I was usually drained after work so I liked to go straight home to decompress. Especially when you are depressed, everything seems like a huge hassle, even just the regular work day. But while there in Colorado I had this urge to be outside and explore and do all the things. I did not want to miss out on all there was to see. Walking through the town you would look between the buildings and there will be these huge mountains, looking all pretty. It seemed like everywhere I turned it would take my breath away.

Being there made me want to slow down and appreciate everything more. The little things like the color of all the flowers and the various shapes of rocks. I like to pick up certain rocks from special places we visit as a way of bringing a piece of it back with me. I keep one at my desk so what I am feeling stressed or just want to reminisce about Colorado I have it right there. Sometimes I forget it is there and pick it up randomly and it helps me remember.

My favorite hiking spot was this lake overlook trail that looped around this mountain. I did some research on the trail to make sure it was an easy one as we were just beginner hikers. At the very start of the path there were a bunch of chipmunks running around and I even got a couple to eat sunflower seeds out of my hand! They were so cute. We decided to be bad and climbed to the very top to see everything and it was very cool. I had never done anything like that before. We went on a weekday so there was pretty much no one out there, which was really nice. At one point we stopped on a bench and I closed my eyes and, for once in a very long time, I heard true silence. The only thing I could hear sometimes (rarely if that) were birds/critters or very faintly I could hear the wind flow through the needles of the trees. It was then that I felt at little bit of peace for what felt like the first time in a long time. It was quiet in my mind, around me, and in my body. We went on more strenuous hiking adventures after we had been acclimated to the altitude but that specific spot has become my happy place ever since.

Somehow this place was able to reach down and make me feel a little spark of hope. I am not sure if it was specifically Colorado or just being out in nature/in the mountains but it has been special to me ever since. There was one scenic drive we took where we saw a deer and I imagined camping out there and I thought that would be so cool. After we came back, I just couldn’t stop thinking of that place and I wanted to go back so bad. It was all I could think about. I was not able to feel the same bit of hope back here at home and finally got help in 2020. We took another trip that year to different city in Colorado and loved it again.

I know nature itself is healing but I also just really love the mountains. I am not sure when I started to love the mountains but I remember requesting Colorado as the destination for my High School Graduation gift. My mom was a travel agent so she decided to surprise me with a trip to Switzerland instead to see those mountains, which I am forever grateful for. It was the trip of a lifetime and one I will probably never be able to top. It felt like a backdrop in a movie or TV show or something. There was no way something that big and beautiful could just occur naturally like that. I had never seen anything like that before in my life. I might have to do a separate blog for that trip.

I would love to visit the Dolomites in Italy. There is something about the ruggedness of them that intrigues me. I have started a bucket list of mountains I want to visit. Maybe one day I will get to visit some of them.