Depression

[Started in 2020]

Many people remember the Zoloft commercial about the little cloud that always follows you. Which I think is a good descriptor for depression, though maybe not always that obvious. Sometimes it starts very subtly until slowly the bad days outnumber the good. There are the well known symptoms of depression- sadness, hopelessness, loss of interest in hobbies/etc.. I had those too but the ones that were less obvious to me was the anger/impatience and indecisiveness about everything. Even small things. I could not decide where or what to eat (even more so than usual) or even decide what to wear (never has been an issue before). The problem for me what was my mind felt blank all the time. I felt like I could not remember anything anymore. Like an empty void taking up space. I didn't trust myself to even make decisions anymore so I wanted someone else to decide. Everything seemed to take so much effort so I avoided doing a lot of things. 

I have been my own worst enemy my whole life. I am a perfectionist and my harshest critic. I am slowly trying to do better but that is how it has always been so it will take time. All my life I have given other people more slack than I ever gave myself. Anytime I made a mistake or got in trouble I was really hard on myself, but not to other people. I would give advice to others that I would not apply to myself. 

My negative self talk got even worse when I was depressed. Since my mind would mostly see negativity many of my relationships suffered. I felt emotional all time. I fought a lot more with my husband, as I took everything he did and said personally when I should not have. I felt like I could not find anything to talk about with others so I just didn't reach out anymore. I have always been a shy person who doesn't talk much anyway but social self-isolation is real. I fell out of touch with many people. I would forget to text people back and then feel guilty/embarrassed by it so I would just avoid it. 

Depression made me feel guilty for thing's I should not have. I felt guilty for everything. I felt like I wanted to do a lot of things, like a hobby or something fun but I just wouldn't. I didn't read much anymore- I just couldn't stick to reading a book before I stopped and just never continued. That became a trend that was never a thing before- I remember being able to read multiple book at once when I was younger. So that was a huge indication to me that something was up. 

I did not feel motivated to do anything at all. Everything seemed to take so much energy and I just didn't want to deal with it. And I would get frustrated with myself because of that. I felt worthless. I felt lazy like I didn't care about anything anymore. I could not remember a point in my life when I was happy last. I tried to think back but I couldn't. 

I tried my best to make things better on my own. I thought maybe something was just missing from my life so I tried to get back into things I enjoyed when I was younger. I tried painting/drawing, adult coloring books, crochet, exercising semi-regularly. I started to look into mindfulness but nothing seemed to work. 

When you are depressed your mind can become emotionally abusive to yourself. Think about it as a negative filter in your mind that only see things in the negative. And believe me there is always a negative way to twist things around. We might have happy moments but then in the back of our mind we are expecting it to end and for things to go back to how it was. The harsh truth is that you can stop being physically around bullies but you can never escape your mind. And when your mind is your bully then that is when it becomes a problem. 

Suicide is a very personal thing for me for many reasons.. There was someone in our family we thought committed suicide and I felt so much guilt for not taking the time to get to know them better. I remember one specific moment that we both agreed we should hang out sometime but just never did. And I always wanted to get to know her more but I never took the chance to. I remember wondering if we had became friends, someone she could talk with, if that would have made a difference.. Turns out it wasn't how she passed but I realized after that experience that taking your own life just passes on your pain to someone else to deal with. Similar to trauma. If you do not fully deal with your trauma you are likely to pass it on to someone else without even realizing it. I have heard of generational trauma being passed down, which I think explains a lot about society today. I see a lot of people blame outside forces for their own choices that led them down that path. You have to set aside your pride and ego and actually deal with the pain. Sometimes all we really need to do is get out of our own way, which I have found to be the hardest part for me and others. If anyone has figured out a trick to do that, please share with the world!